THE OLD GUARD (2020)

Notwithstanding heavy NetFlix eye-balling and pre-planned sequel, this adapted graphic-novel is plenty dreadful.  Charlize Theron, who produced, leads a motley international team of pro bono Special Ops Mercenaries fighting for Truth, Justice & Third World Underdogs. Their latest cause?  Themselves!  Seems Big Pharma has uncovered the gang’s secret: They’re Immortal!  Killed again & again over the centuries, they take a licking & keep on ticking.  (Kinda dulls the suspense factor, no?)  Kidnap the crew, work up a DNA profile and voila!, a Cure-All Vaccine to end all Cure-All Vaccines.  (Good luck getting Evangelicals to take it!)  This all might work on screen: fresh dead Black female addition from Afghanistan, courtesy of the U.S. Army; a turncoat on the team; a gay couple* (no, not Ancient Greeks); plus Theron made up to look like David Bowie.  If only the script could have bothered with a mission other than their own survival.*  (We’re only told of past deeds by newly designated group historian Chiwetel Ejiofor, switching sides in time for a sequel.)  Or if Mr. Big Pharma weren’t such a threatless little weasel.  Or maybe if Gina Prince-Bythewood megged without discombobulated editing in exposition and action set pieces that look like under-rehearsed Cirque Du Soleil.

WATCH THIS, NOT THAT/LINK: *One of them the astonishing Luca Marinelli, fresh off his breakthru in MARTIN EDEN/’19.  https://maksquibs.blogspot.com/2020/12/martin-eden-2019.html

SCREWY THOUGHT OF THE DAY: *Generally speaking, franchise pics only show this level of self-regard by Episode IV.